Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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