I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
