My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
