when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
