Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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