were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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