your thong is hanging out like whoa
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
