Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
