Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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