I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize