dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
