Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
