Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
