so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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