i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
