so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
