I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
