Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
