I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
