oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
