My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
