You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
