I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
