i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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