i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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