so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
