Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
try to milk me bitch
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
