The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
