my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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