someone threw a dead crab at me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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