So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
