I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
