nut hugger
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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