I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
