people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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