please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
