if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
