can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
