im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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