Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
