Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
