I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
