i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
