i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
