i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just found a bag of teeth...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
