I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
