So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
