im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
