I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
