I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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