My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
